I Think I'm Drowning
by thanksfornoticin
Summary: Typical Phanfiction...I can't believe I'm writing this...why did I decide this was a good idea...Why am I talking about myself and not the story...the world may never know...
1. Asphyxiated

_I look around this classroom, and everyone seems happy, but are they? I assume so. They look so, but then again, so do I. I wonder how many of them have thoughts like mine. How many of them stay up all night wishing for a break, wishing for that light to show them which way to go. Wishing for the final courage to stop them from thinking forever. Up, down, left right. So many choices it makes my head spin. What if I'm still like this in a year? Five? Fifteen? I can't like this. It's pure hell._

_Last night I sincerely contemplated death. What it would be like to leave .Something in me ached. I'm still not sure if it was because I have a desire to live, or a desire to die. I guess that's a good thing._

_Thinking of the moment my thoughts, and heart, stop is peaceful .It's music to my ears; brings a certain joy to my soul. And then when I look back up at these people, it cements the feeling. Cements the helplessness I feel inside. Cements the need to run, to fall, to let the small amount of hope I have run dry. To say my last goodbyes and accept myself as I am._

_A failure._

_But is it giving up? It's just itching the scratch. Just freeing my mind from its rampage. Just stopping the noise._

_Freedom._

"Daniel! Earth to Daniel? Anyone home?"

"Huh? oh. Uh, sorry Mrs. little."

"Yea yea yea. It's always 'sorry I'll never do it again'. Now go up to the board and do problem sixteen before I send you out."

Dan stood up and walked slowly up to the board. He took note of all the attention on him. A class of 32 students and all eyes were on him. Attention was definitely something he preferred to avoid, but somehow the teachers never let him get away with it. It wasn't like he really blended in well either. His tall stature left him towering above almost everyone else in his year. His hair was longer and covered his eyes. Not that you could see them anyway as they were always glued to the ground, and he wore the same dull clothing every day.

When reaching the board, he looked in the book. Problem 16. He copied it exactly as he saw it onto the board. A jumble of letters and numbers stood before him, and the solution was unknown. Just like everything in his life, he only had problems and no ways to solve them. He was drowning in a sea of bad decisions he made in an attempt to fix them; to the point where he just stopped trying to fix them at all.

"Daniel? Are you going to continue or are you just going to stand there?"

"I do not have an answer for you ma'am."

"Alright, just sit down then. Mathew, go up and finish the problem, please since Daniel over here could not."

Dan took the walk of shame back down to his seat. Once again taking note of all the eyes and disappointed stares that were on him. He couldn't help but laugh as he walked past them. How many of them could actually solve the problem? How many of them had their life sorted out? How many of them could deal with a life like his?

Most likely none, but he was just an easy target.

When he got back in his seat, there was a note waiting for him. It was just a typical paper folded up as much as possible with his name on top. He glanced around the room, but no one took notice, they were all furiously writing away to the lesson.

He quietly unfolded the note, trying not to draw anymore unwanted attention. It simply said

**Hi**

There was an arrow that pointed down and said

**Behind you**

_Is this a joke?_

People always did this kind of stuff to him. Play practical jokes on him that were so hilarious. Now he was going to write a note and pass it back and the kid behind him would be confused. Then the person who actually put the note there would start laughing and Dan's anxiety would get worse. Everyone would call him a freak. 'Why would anyone possibly want to say hi to you' they would all say. He would run out of the room to the nearest bathroom as they all go their kicks.

So he turned around. The boy behind him looked up and they locked eyes. The boy smiled and went back to his work.

_Why not take the chance…_

Dan wrote hi, folded the note back up and placed it on the desk behind him. He could hear the note being unfolded, the pen moving, and then the paper rustling again. There was no laughter from anyone; there was no attention on him. There was no need to run. Yet.

The note landed back on his desk. He unfolded it and read carefully.

**Hey. If you need help with this stuff, or anything, I'm here. It can all get a bit confusing.**

Dan turned around to look at the boy. He didn't remember him at all. His name escaped his brain. The boy looked up and smiled once more before returning to his work. Something Dan should have been doing, but could not. Concentrating on Maths was not an option right now.

Dan took his pen in hand and wrote back

**Oh. Cool. Yea thanks man. Hey sorry. What's your name again?**

He folded the note and sent it back.

The boy unfolded it once again and Dan could hear a small laugh come out of him. Suddenly the paper was back in his possession.

**You either are a huge dick, or you are just as spacey as you seem. We've only been in this class together for five months. But we've never really been properly introduced. I'm Phil.**

**Hey yall. So I figured I'd take a stab at Phan fanfiction that way I can take a break from my other story. Woo. Yea. So. Hi…..Bye.**


	2. I wanna break this spell

_Sorry I haven't uploaded this story in such a long time. I honestly forgot it existed until some lovely person left a review and I got a notification. _

_So without further ado, my first Phanfiction continues._

_Is it weird that I don't ship Phan, yet I'm writing about it?_

8 a.m. Maths. Who decided that maths was a great class to have at 8 a.m. No one. Maybe the sadistic fucks who run this place, but definitely not me.

It has been about a week since I'd talked to Phil. I was stupid to leave it at that, but I doubt he really wanted to help me anyway. Nobody gives a rat's ass about me but me and even that is questionable.

He seemed nice enough though, like maybe he could care if I gave him a chance to. Since that note, I have started stepping outside of my own world to look into the real one. I only do it to spy on Phil; otherwise, I retreat back for good. He didn't really have a group of friends. He was a bit of a loner I guess you could say, but he was friendly with everyone.

It turns out we had almost every class together. In every class he had someone to talk to if he wanted, but he seemed to always stay to himself. If everyone liked him, why would he be alone all the time? If I had friends rather than bullies, I sure as hell would come out of my world more.

Some things are rather peculiar about him. He's quiet when he is around people. It seems he tends to stay off to the side a bit, laughing when everyone else laughs, putting his two cents in once in a blue moon. He seemed to never be the center of attention.

He fiddled with his black fringe when he was uncomfortable, or he would lightly tap his foot. His eyes would space out frequently, his concentration null and void. When he would come back to reality, his eyes would twitch, his arms folded across his chest and he'd slightly hold himself until he'd shake his hair out to fiddle with it. He was a very intriguing person.

Ring.

End of maths. Everyone around me stood up, gathering their things and walking to the hall. Conversations fill the room, slowly quieting down until all that's left is I in my chair. I hate this school. I hate these people. Why am I here? Why am I wasting my time with this? Why don't I just go?

"Are you alright?" A soft voice pulled me from my thoughts. I turned my head to the left slightly and saw a lanky, unkempt body before me. The uniform in front of me was disorganized. The shirt was not tucked in and the tie was not on straight. I looked up to find the body belonged to Phil. He had a half smile on his face as he looked at me. His left hand held his books while his right played with his hair.

"Are you alright, Dan?" Phil asked again when I didn't respond the first time. His facial expressions were changing from happy to concerned at this point.

"Oh. Yea. I'm fine." I attempted to clear my throat before speaking, but my voice still cracked at the end. Stupid Dan, I can't even talk to people correctly. I couldn't help but blush though. The first time someone actually acknowledged me for something other than to shove me in a locker and I ruin it. I'm such an embarrassment.

I quickly put my head down to start gathering my things. I threw my books into my messenger bag and stood up quickly trying to maneuver my way around the guy who was still standing next to me.

"You don't have to run away from me." I stopped right outside the door, but didn't turn around to face him.

"I'm not running away from you. I just can't be late to my next class again or I'm fucked." I heard small footsteps and the rustling of desks behind me. Phil was definitely anything but graceful.

"I know you're not fine and I know you aren't going to class. I'm not stupid, Dan." I turned around to see him fiddling with his hair again. Why the need to do that constantly? Was it his nervous twitch? What is he nervous about?

"Clearly you don't know me. Stop pretending you do. I'm fine."

I left before I could hear him reply. I walked to my next class, but by the time I got there, the bell had already rung. Late. Well there's no point in going in now. I don't need more eyes on me. They'll all realize I'm frazzled. They always know when I'm weak and preying on me is their specialty. So instead I made my way to my locker to exchange some books. I walked up to a nearby side door, looking around to see if anyone would notice. I took the plunge. I walked out the door and continued down the path until it wrapped around to the front gate.

Home free.

"I told you I wasn't stupid, Dan."


	3. You've created

"I told you I wasn't stupid, Dan."

I whip my head around and see Phil lying on the grass patch between the road and the pavement. His head was resting in his hands, his back was against the ground, and his knees were in the air. He was just peacefully starring up at the sky.

"What the hell are you doing? Shouldn't you be in school?" I argued.

"I could say the same to you, you know."

"Are you just here to prove you're right? Well great job, smartass, you're clever. Congrats."

Phil stayed exactly where he was. To say he was a chill guy was an understatement. Staying calm and collected was his forte and I envied him to say the least. Just as I turned to head home, he answered.

"Thank you for the admiration, but I'm not here to prove my point." He rolled up onto his butt and crossed his legs. Staring up at me, he tilted his head slightly to the side. "I always skip after my first class. Whether it's five minutes or the whole day, I just need some time to myself, you know."

"You've only been in school for an hour. Why do you need time already? You were just home!"

"Nah. This is more fun." He replied, standing up fully and grabbing his books.

"How did you know I was leaving?" I inquired. He walked up to me slowly until he was but a few inches from my face.

"I didn't. Now come on." He turned around swiftly and started off down the street. I had a small inner debate about whether or not to follow him, but watching Phil walk away with all the confidence in the world prevented me from leaving his side. He never turned around to make sure I was following. He oozed a self-confidence I would kill for. The longer I was in his presence, the longer I wished to be him.

Eventually I gained control of my legs again and ran down the road to catch up with him.

"Where are we going and how long will we be gone? I have an English test in a few hours." I decided to break the slightly uncomfortable silence. I wondered if he felt as uncomfortable as I, but if so, he didn't let on. A small smirk came across his face, but he did not break eye contact with the road before him.

"Cause you were going to sneak back in on your own to take that, right?" Phil chuckled.

"Well. Maybe. I…i…I don't…know…" I stumbled to find words with enough meaning, but failed miserably. "You avoided my questions" I kept my eyes on him, trying to see a glimpse into the person he was passed the façade he was giving off. It was ineffective. Maybe there's nothing more to him. Maybe he's just great at hiding.

"That's because you asked the wrong questions. Now tell me a bit about yourself, Dan." He answered, finally making eye contact with me when my name grazed his lips. His eyes seemed to glow and glisten, being, without a doubt, the most beautiful eyes I had ever seen. There was kindness, acceptance and trust in them, but just enough mystery to keep me apprehensive.

"Like what? I'm not a very exciting person."

"What's a day in the life of Dan Howell like?"

I stayed silent for a bit, not wanting to reveal what a huge loser I really am in front of the first person to really talk to me in years. He most likely had a great life: parties, girls, and friends. I would seem dull in comparison and maybe that means I would become unworthy of his company. But what am I talking about, I already was unworthy.

"Cat got your tongue?"

"Uh. No. Um. Well, in Dan's world, I wake up five minutes before I'm supposed to be at school. I quickly throw some clothes on, wake my brother up, mumble a hi to my parents and run out the door. Once I actually get to school, I go to my locker where I see a note with the latest insults. I attempt to walk to my first class, but I'm thwarted by a group of guys who throw me against the wall, knocking my books across the floor. By the time I pick myself up, I'm late. I stumble into my class, do very little work, and then hurry home where I stay on my computer until I fall asleep. Then I wake up and do it all over again."

After I finished, he didn't talk. He had guided us to the back end of a small field in the middle of no where. We reached the edge by some woods \, and he collapsed on to the ground. He patted the space next to him indicating I fall to his level. I do as instructed and sit with my legs crossed so I can easily play with the grass.

"So. What's a day in the life of Phil like?" I finally ask since he had no comment on my life.

"The usual. So you don't go out anywhere when you get home? Do you talk to anyone in your house?" If there was anything he excelled at, it was avoided my questions.

"No. I don't have many friends. At least not ones from around here. My parents work late, so I don't really get to see them that often. My brother and I aren't really close either. We're too similar for our own good, you know? It always leads to fights for some reason."

"That sucks. You really should have someone you can talk to."

"That's easy for you to say, you're friends with everyone. There isn't a single person in this area who dislikes you."

"That is untrue."

"Name one person."

"Myself."


End file.
